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| photo by Amy Brandon |
We are a broken people. The majority of the phone calls we
get are from people we don’t know and don’t want to speak to. The majority of
the mail we get is from people we don’t know and don’t want to hear from.
Somehow we have convinced ourselves that digital interactions with people who
check in with us on their own schedules are enough for us, that we don’t need
to take the time to cultivate the living, to build non-digital relationships
with others who, at times, will
interfere with our own busy schedules. After all, we have hundreds of friends available 24/7 at the stroke of a computer key. Few of us , including me, seem to have the capacity any more to be real-life, in-person, on-call
friends to one another in these times of digital ascendancy. It’s a lot easier
to like a post or type “I love you” or “I’m praying for you” than it is to sit
across from another person and let her pain assault you while you drown in your
own helplessness. And we wonder why the most vulnerable, the most broken and
isolated among us, break in horrific ways we don’t understand. We have neither the
time, the patience, nor frankly, the interest, in being the right kind of
friend, the saving kind of friend, any more. That is the hard truth. That is
not the truth of the Bible we all like to say we follow.
In the midst of the horror and pain of this week, I finished
reading Lila by Marilynne Robinson. Lila is a beautiful book. It is art of the kind that redeems humanity. As I’m sure you know if you’re
reading this blog, I don’t review plots or discuss character development. I hope you’ll read the book for that. But I
do want to say that this book spoke to me in a particular way as I was able to
identify so completely both with Lila’s logic and with her dysfunction. The one
question Lila continually asks her husband, who is a minister, is why do things
happen the way they do? Throughout the book, he evades the question until
toward the end when he finally says what I discovered a long time ago. Some
things just don’t lend themselves to being asked why. There is no fair, there
is no deserve, sometimes there is no over-arching logic available to a human
brain. You can see where this line of
thought could lead to nihilism.
Personally I think that is the lazy way out. To keep trying to love, to keep working for
peace, to keep hoping, these are the hard ways out. These are the paths of the
brave.
No man is an island.
I’m pretty sure several famous people stressed this on several occasions
over the course of written history, but we seem to do a fine job of forgetting
it. I struggle personally with this
because I don’t like or need a lot of people. The truth, though, I think, is that
most of us don’t need hundreds of friends. We need one friend, one friend who
will hear us when we howl and who will be there to absorb that howl and to help
us find our way out of it so the howl doesn’t overwhelm us all in the end.
9 comments:
Do you mean being available to others like last night, when I got a phone call from another resident of my building, who lives on a different floor? I put on my coat and went out in the cold to get her handicap placard from my car, where it usually stays because she decided she should no longer drive with her severe back pain and sold her car. Long after dark last night, she asked me to fetch it for her because she's going out today to eat with a couple she's been friends with for years. After taking her the placard, I sat at her table and talked for maybe a half hour, maybe more, because she misses seeing friends in the building because she can't sit up for long. I've convinced her she needs to be willing to tell me when it's time for me to go, so she can go back to bed and rest her back. It may be inconvenient sometimes, but we're friends. And to me, this is what face-to-face friendship is all about ― BEING THERE. Does that make me a "real-life, in-person, on-call friend"?
Yes, Bonnie, it does, but I'm afraid you are the exception to the rule these days.
I re-worded the sentence to make it more truthful. The main point I was trying to make was that I am as guilty of this isolationism as the people I know personally.
The really wonderful thing about living in the Crown Center for Senior Living in St. Louis is that LOTS of people are intent on helping one another. Yes, really. There's actually a person on staff who coordinates volunteers ― like these:
(1) some (like me) reshelve books in our small library here,
(2) some help serve the evening meal (we have kitchens in our apartments, but can choose to pay a nominal fee of $3 for dinner Monday through Friday),
(3) some work on the "link desk" between the two buildings, directing visitors looking for the offices or the cafe or the fitness center or a planned event or whatever,
(4) some join the "hostess" committee to help with the monthly events like the "birthday bash" for those with birthdays that month,
(5) some distribute the weekly and monthly (Crown Connection) newsletters to boxes beside our apartment doors ― or help fold those newsletters.
Such an environment nurtures the desire to help each other, and some drive others to doctor appointments or pick up mail for those (like my friend) cannot easily get downstairs to our mailboxes. We who are tall may be called by someone saying, "Would you come get down my _____ from a top shelf, please?" This is a pretty amazing place, actually. If you'd like to read more about us, here's a link:
https://crowncenterstl.org
Be sure to look at the current Crown Connection, which is also mailed out to seniors in the community. They, too, are welcome to attend scheduled events. A community band meets here every week to practice and enjoy making music together. The link is at the bottom of the web site (it's called the "menu and event calendar"), but I'll make it easy for you to find it:
https://crowncenterstl.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/18-2-CrownConnection_final.pdf
I knew what you meant, but just look at what I got to share about the great place where I live. Maybe one of these days we'll get to know each other in person. I hope so.
Perhaps I should read Lila. I have only read one of Marilynne's books : Housekeeping which I gather is far different than her later novels. But I haven't been able to get into Gilead or I put it down early on. Perhaps I should try, try again. This author seems to speak to you, eh?
Hi Bonnie, I finally made time to explore the above links. Looks like a fantastic place to live!
And until and if we are able to meet, I am enjoying having someone to email discuss books with! Thanks!
Susan: IMO, Lila is the better book, and I feel like it probably should be read before Gilead. Housekeeping was different. It's good too, but Lila is my favorite, followed by Gilead. Neither Lila nor Gilead moves fast, so be prepared to take your time reading them. I didn't read just Lila or just Gilead all at one sustained reading. Instead I dipped in and out of them while I was reading other things.
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